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Augment My Homosexual Feelings
To/Against/For: Doctors Who Don't Change Sexual FeelingsWHY CAN'T I FULLY ENJOY MASCULINE BODIES LIKE REAL GAYS DO? WHY DO I NOT FEEL LIKE A "REAL GAY" - IS IT A SELF-ESTEEM PROBLEM - AND CAN ANYONE HELP ME?
i don't know if this should be a "letter to the editor" or a "letter to the therapist," but i am gay and looking for help. my name is dylan, and i think i need a therapist's help regarding homosexuality. the following letter will hopefully provide enough information about my situation - i am seeking recommendations on gay-friendly therapists (preferably internet-based) who would be equipped to help me with my gay difficulties. i have been writing my own "webazine" since 1999, in an effort to become more in-touch with male homosexuality, so www.masculivoids.com would also give any potential therapist a better mental image of me. i guess it's creative writing, there's over 600 gay-themed song parodies, there's 2 1/2 screenplays, it's kind of loaded with satire.
i really feel that i need a therapist to make me more out-of-touch with masculinity so that i wouldn't lose interest in men while i'm having sex with men. i have no problem staying interested in masculinity if i'm lost in fantasy and watching porn, but i am apt to lose interest if i'm with a real person just because it's not fantasy - it's real. it's too real, it's too human, it's too run-of-the-mill ordinary - the curiosity of the masculine gender that i have while watching gay porn is barely there if i'm trying to have gay sex with a real person. i feel like a part-time masculivoid, being that i am apt to gawk at every perfect specimen of manhood that i see - while at the same time knowing the disinterest i'd feel after lying naked in bed with that specimen for a few minutes. i lust for masculine images, i am apt to lose that lust and curiosity if i were to be having sex with actual men, and i DON'T want my interest to fade. therefore, i need help in becoming less in-touch and more out-of-touch with masculinity - just so that men would hold my interest long enough for me to provide them with a satisfying sexual experience.
people have conquered alcoholism through therapy
people have conquered overeating through therapy
people have conquered gambling through therapy
i am sexually aroused by masculinity and i have a problem. first, i cannot conquer and lose my interest in naked men because i hear that therapists can lose their licenses if they help to get rid of someone's homosexual attraction. second, i don't need help in accepting myself as a gay "man" because i have already done so - i have no problem admitting that i am a "man" who just happens to feel slight enough around (dare i say "real") men to be curious of men. therefore, if masculine bodies psyche my brain and no therapist can make that psyche go away, then i need help in maintaining my psychological curiosity OF men so that i don't lose interest and start to think "what am i doing here" in the middle of sex WITH men. i really get to feel disinterested and out-of-place sometimes when i'm naked and under the covers with the man of my dreams, so i feel i need therapy to become less justified as a man in an effort to be able to keep my interest and curiosity and desire of men alive. they do say "opposites attract," but sometimes i don't feel "opposite" enough to regard men as a discovery zone - so i sometimes won't really get that much out of licking or sucking or smelling or humping men. this is a problem, and i need therapy to become more out-of-touch with masculinity - or else i fear that the "psyche" men give me will sooner or later just disappear. then i'd be sexually attracted to nobody, what kind of life is that?
i am gay and i have a problem. i am sexually aroused by masculine images and masculine body parts, i fantasize and strive for sexual relations with manly hunks, i long to remove everything covering their flesh. the thing is that there really isn't anything i feel i'm discovering once i do uncover their flesh. it's like oral sex - although i fantasize about oral sex, well, when i get in my mouth then i feel lost and out-of-place and unenthusiastic about it all - "what am i doing here".
the last few times i've had sexual relations, i can remember turning apathetic giving oral sex - and also being grossed out when someone was sucking me with his ass in my face. i remember thinking these exact words: "you can suck my dick, but keep your poop-chute out of my face". men appear so tantalizing one minute, then i have them naked and in my bed and i start silently accusing them with lyrics ala billy joel: "you're only human".
every little masculine thought psyches and arouses me, i always keep my eyes glued to the tv screen when i'm watching gay porn - i may wish to be involved in the porn scene i'm watching, but when it's real i'm just not as interested in touching and feeling and experiencing masculinity. it's too real. though i do fantasize about it, i don't care to jerk anyone off or give them a blowjob - when men are real and in front of me then the whole thing is just too real and too run-of-the-mill ordinary. i can do oral sex, but sometimes it doesn't hold my interest and my mind just is not occupied by it.
why can't i enjoy masculine bodies like real gays do? i see the happiness and joy and enlightenment on their faces when they're inspecting every nook and cranny of men, how can i become this out-of-touch? why can't my mind be so interested and enthusiastic, why do i start to see men as uninteresting and run-of-the-mill ordinary, right in the middle of a "close encounter" - why can't i take an interest in feeling and squeezing men during that "close encounter"...instead of getting to feel so disinterested and apathetic? "close encounters," yes, i see masculine images through the eyes of richard dreyfuss as he observed the aliens...but sometimes when i'm with actual naked men, they just aren't as exciting.
please direct me to a therapist who can augment my curiosity of men, i want to be curious of men all the time - i want to be a total masculivoid and not just a part-time masculivoid. if no one will change me to lessen my curiosity of masculinity, it's not fair if they won't make me more curious of it - that is, curious enough so i don't lose interest during sex.
dylan terreri, i
www.masculivoids.com
Recent Comments
| Name | Comment | |
| Gay Johnsbury | I find that to amplify one's homosexual desire would be fine. I don't find that lessening or getting rid of homosexual desire is fine, though. |
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